Hoes and Shit

Traditional Hoe (£4.35 at Moleavon)

Now, I get a lot of people asking me "Farmer Josh, you grow the best spuds around, when do I start to plant them and how can I get mine to taste as good as your award winning potatoes?" So I am going to explain a bit about hoeing, growing and using compost/manure for growth.

Well, I am pleased to say that it is that time of year again, the trees are bare and the frost is receding- there's no better time to start churning up the earth and start planting your spuds.

Now, most modern farmers would suggest that you'd use a more efficient means to whisk up the soil like getting Churnmaster 4000 but quite frankly they don't know a thing about farming. I prefer to use a good old fashioned recently purchased hoe. I find hoes are much more efficient at doing the work than letting a machine do it and they really get stuck in to the job, and besides, if a hoe should so happen to snap you can just buy a new one from your local dealer for a small but fair price. (don't spend to much on a hoe. A hoes not for life, its just for farming)

When storing your hoes make sure they are kept in a small dark shed with barely any visible sunlight and keep them locked down away from any other hoes you have as there is a strong rivalry in the farming community. If one farmer likes the way your hoe works then he is likely to take said hoe and put a cap in your ass's hoof; which is always annoying to remove. So always -and I can't stress this enough- make your hoes look as cheap as you can. Don't buy fancy accessories. One thing which will show other farmers that you have a good 'un is if you are splashing your cash too frivolously on your hoes or even worse, on one hoe in particular.

Now, back to the farming side of things. This morning I got ready after my usual breakfast of oats and gravy (can't kick that old habit that mother weened me onto) and I put on my finest tweed vest. I then went out to my garden patch with my lit pipe and brand new hoe (used to be £10 a pop but was recently reduced to £4.35 at Moleavon! I was tempted to buy a few but the wife would get jealous that I'm spending more on hoes than her!) and I then started to get a rough idea of my plot layout.

Right, now I tend to go for the more unorthodox method of turfing-the-earth by doing the jump technique. Don't worry, I will explain.

To do this technique i will run with my object of unfathomable desire (hoe) and when I reach the spot of grass I'd like to turf up for spuds I jump into the air. I then bring the hoe down to the ground at great speed and once its got stuck in the soil just give it the occasional poke and leave it to its business. If it's a high quality hoe it will be done in mere hours. This gives you plenty of time, so light up your pipe, put on the wireless and chill with your hommy's. (janner for neighbours)

There is one main issue with this method, your hoe can be prone to snap mid jump technique, but don't worry, if you are a wise farmer you will always have a back up in the shed to finish the job. Anyway the plot eventually got done and my little patch looked terrific, titchmarsh would be proud.

Now, into my nice neatly dug rungs of earth I placed in the potato seedlings I had purchased at the market the week previous from Mrs.Cobb's, or alternatively if you are on Mrs.Cobb's bad side (which many people are) there is always old farmer Bill- he has spuds growing out his ears! (not literally for that would be a medical miracle, but he does have a large stall on tuesdays at Hatherleigh Market (look for the balding man with large 'lamb chops' sideburns and the most marvelous golden pipe you'll ever see))

After I had placed them neatly into the earth I proceeded to urinate one each one in turn and cover them in manure to boost flavour and improve yield. If you are desperate to plant your spuds but have no urine at hand -so to say- you can always use jam. Jam is a good source of sugar for your potatoes and will -as I'm sure you all know- turn them into sweet potatoes, so if that's what you desire then i recommend jam or another sweet preserve whole-heartedly. Same method for all you bakers out there, pour some jam into your dough mix and after baking they will be the most divine sweet-breads around.

Now I just have to wait for my tatties to sprout up good and proper and within a few months there will be potato pie all round. If you are interested in the recipe you just mash your potatoes with a touch of vinegar and bake sufficiently until golden brown, texture like sun.

And there you have it. Now, just in case curiosity is killing your cat and you are thinking "I wonder what the devil he gets up to of an evening?" Well, I can give you an answer. I am off to meet Mr.Fergison for a game of hoopla and an evening of merryment with some good old scrumpy! (Don't tell the wife mind, she thinks I'm out buying piglet's and sizing up old farmer Giles's patch. If if gets bigger and better than ours I am instructed to "tamper with it". God forbid if she happens to come across this page and find out the truth)

So that's all for today.
Happy hoeing, farming enthusiasts!